Sometimes forgiving yourself can be the hardest.
I’ve been thinking about revenge.
In the southern branch of our family revenge was best served ice cold, saccharine sweet, locked and loaded. Tradition dictated that if you wronged us, you wronged the entire family and you would pay. If not today, tomorrow. If not this decade than the next or forever until your family and my family died out.
Our family had a centuries old feud going on with the neighboring farm folks. I have no idea what started it. The latest slight was when my great grandfather died circa 1930. My great aunt said the people we were feuding with were “out walking our land all set to take it over. Only thing it would be over is my dead body.” I guess this was meant to draw us kids into the family feud and, had we been different people, prolong the desire for retribution.
It’s amazing how effective generational hate can be if you start early. My parents weren’t into revenge although my mom felt barbed comments and intellectual one upmanship (a form of oh-so-polite verbal revenge) were still on the table. Physical or verbal revenge is so appealing because it satisfies our desire to feel superior, righteous, and vindicated; no longer a victim. Our ego assures us that we’re better than the person who wounded us and now they know it. Wreaking revenge is just plain orneriness coming out.
I’ve outgrown the idea of retaliation. I’ve been consciously trying to forgive, understand, and mend, not letting others dictate how I feel. I have a terrible temper, and I’m not by nature a goody two shoes who does these thoughtful concepts. But forgiveness ends up being healing. We all make mistakes and some of them are doozies. We get hurt by others and shame, anger, and humiliation build on both sides. Our egos aren’t having any of that and revenge and hate starts sounding good. Cue the feud!
Resentment and revenge are easy to tap into but ultimately poisonous. When I find myself plotting revenge, and I do but only in my mind, I catch myself and realize I’m pissed and feeling hurt. I try to figure out why I need to take my anger out on another person. Once I know that, I take a breath and mentally wish the other person well whether they “deserve” it or not. Forgiveness can be hard but I try to forgive them and I forgive myself too. I sleep better at night knowing that old wounds, slights, and bad behavior are best acknowledged and dealt with.
Better to work it out and if that doesn’t resolve things, practice forgiveness, and let it go. Because who wants to chew on cold revenge, anger and hate for the rest of their lives? I’m hoping you’re saying, “Not me.”
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