My friend and I challenged one another to make eye contact with everyone we meet. Here’s what I learned:
#1: Do you make eye contact with friends when they’re talking? Not me. So I changed.
Friends and I were having drinks and talking. I looked folks in the eye whenever they spoke. I was mesmerized and kept getting lost thinking about them instead of zeroing in on what they were saying. Fixed that.
They all mentioned feeling really “seen” by my unwavering focus. I decided from now on to look at people directly when they’re talking . They have something to say. If I’m in the conversation, I’m willing to listen and not think about what I’ll say in response. Hard for me.
#2: Do you make eye contact with people when you’re talking? Crap nope again, not me.
I look right, up, down, left, close my eyes, and peer over people’s left shoulder when I’m talking. I feel nervous, desperate to focus and have to search for the right words. I’m working on this one. Going okay.
My friend closes her eyes, lifts her chin to the heavens and speaks as if in deep prayer. She says she’s calling deep thoughts, requiring that she remove other’s distracting energy. Ah, no. Called her out on it.
#3: When interacting with strangers, do you REALLY look at them at all? Aw, geez. Ouch.
This one hurts cause I don’t do it. I now see it as a form of dismissal; a willful avoidance of connection and acknowledgement. Fixing this.
I’ve vowed not to do this glazing over any more. I look people I meet in the eye and really see them, acknowledge them.
Confession:
I’m terrible about looking at people panhandling when I’m in my car at the stoplight. I know this is about judgement, privilege and how I get out of fear and uncertainty.
Not proud. I think it’s about judging myself for needing help and thereby judging others when they’re asking for help. Brene Brown talks about this in her book Rising Strong which I picked up during this experiment.
Personally, I hate asking for help: something I’m trying to get over.
#4: Do you make new friends when you look people in the eye? Yes! At last! Score one for me!
Example: I made a connection with a barista at Starbucks. She was trying to take care of everyone. I looked her in the eye and said, “You need to take a deep breath. I’ll take one with you. Ready?”
And we did. “Thanks,” she said. “I forgot to breathe. I needed that.” We smiled at each other. It was a great moment.
Your turn.
Try this eye contact experiment and let me know what happens. Were there ah-ha moments for you? Excited to hear what you learned. You can try this tonight at home with your family and freak them out! Then spill the beans and leave me a comment.
You can do it, don’t be shy!
Think of this as another adventure. A shoulder shake to seeing and connecting with other people. You know like the time you’d been calling the owner of the bar “Ernie” for twenty years only to find out that his name is “Eugene” and none of the staff ever corrected you and you only found out when the bouncer told your puzzled friend who’s known Eugene for 20 years that they were all embarrassed for you. Wake up!
Come on now. Give it a try and let me hear from you!
With this corona thing, we don’t even get to see each other much. But I think that makes it even more important to work on this experiment because we are anxious and frazzled and we all need connection in any way possible. I am going to pay attention even more right now, just to see how it feels to listen and be seen and to see others. Thank you, Zain.