photo by Annie Spratt from Unsplash
My Mother was a real stickler for manners. As the youngest, I caught the convergence of Mom’s good manners and a passion for all things British which included formal dining. I was about 8, when she called me into the dining room for lessons on how to successfully dine. I enjoyed these sessions with my Mom. Here are 8 tips:
Tons of silverware and so forth never show up on the table at one time. The server brings unique silverware for an unusual offering, like a marrow spoon for getting the delicious marrow out of a pesky bone. In a private party, all the usual silverware, wineglasses, blah, blah are on the table for the meal unless there are more than 3 or 4 courses or there are unusual dishes requiring their own utensil (see above). These are brought by the server with the dish.
You’re not choosing your meal and you cannot make special requests when invited to a private home. You will take a bite of everything unless you will end up in the hospital in which case you can make it look like you took a bite. You will not eat everything on your plate.
There will be multiple courses so you must save yourself for some of each. A dinner party is for convivial conversation not for wolfing down food or drink.
You will hold your fork in your left hand and your knife in your right hand. If you don’t know how to eat something or which utensil to use, watch the host or hostess.
You are forbidden to move the place cards. The hostess has carefully selected who will sit next to whom. She will sit at the head of the table with a man seated on each side of her. The host will sit at the foot of the table with a woman seated on either side of him and the other guests are seated alternating male and female to enliven the conversation. Couples do not sit together. There should ALWAYS be an even number of men and women.
Napkins belong on your lap. It will be placed there, you will be “napped” in a fine restaurant, by the waiter and women wearing black shirts or dresses will be napped with a black napkin. You pick up your napkin only after the hostess or host has done so. If a napkin slips from your lap, a woman will ask the man on her right to signal the waiter to retrieve it for her and renap her whereas the man signals for himself. Mom found this disturbing since once your napkin hits the floor, it should be abandoned for a new one. Oh well, we move with the times! At a private party of this nature, a woman will ask her right hand man to signal the server to bring her another napkin.
There will be a fingerbowl for items traditionally eaten with your hands such as mussels, that is, after the FIRST mussel which has its own fork. From then on I think you use the shell from the first mussel to retrieve the other mussels you wish to eat. The fingerbowl water is often scented with lemon so as not to interfere with the taste of the meal. It is not a bath. You use it sparingly and with grace, dipping only the tips of the fingers beneath the surface, wiping them discretely on the napkin.
One doesn’t mention religion or politics. Here is where you use your fabulous communication skills, turning first to the man on your right and then, as the meal progresses to the man on your left. You do not converse with anyone at the table where it’s necessary to raise your voice above a normal level.
These lessons took months and I’ve only scratched the surface of the things we went over. Formal dining etiquette was our fun time together and I don’t even know how much of this stuff is lurking in the dark recesses of my memory. Not so fun was being required to endure Miss. Gates Dancing School. Ack, but that’s a story for another time.
Tell me, tell me. Leave me a comment about conversation, connection, manners (good and bad) and how scary, funny and inconvenient this can all be! I love to hear from you.
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You had a way more formal household than I. Probably better food options though.
“You will hold your fork in your left hand and your knife in your right hand.w”
This is not just for cutting, right? Do Brits use their left hand for the upside down fork and push food onto it with their knife?
Yes. My understanding is that the Brits push the food onto the back of the fork, keeping the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right. However, manners is all about lovely inconvenience and the whole thing about holding the silverware this way and then laying down the knife and switching hands to hold the fork in your right hand seems appealing to some people. However, since you can only cut the piece of food you are about to eat before you switch hands, this would make for a slow meal and you switched back and forth. It you’re chatting the the conversation is lively, I could see where you might do this, but I’m no expert. Perhaps it would work for weight loss too! No gulping food if you do this.
I can still remember my first exposure to the Hale’s British formality. I had met Stephen my first semester at Purdue, Lafayette after a semester at the Hammond extension that was called Purdue Calumet at that time. We were both working in the dorm kitchen so I assumed we were of similar social standing . When I unexpectedly found myself with a 4 day weekend for Memorial Day, I drove to New Albany to surprise Stephen with only a return address from the amazing letters Stephen had been writing. He had already met my parent by planning a visit to an older sister who was in college at Wake Forest and living in Evanston.
Stephen’s Mom made such a fuss over me because so far none of her 4 sons had shown any interest in anyone specific. Philip, Stephen’s brother was anticipating a Birthday weekend with special rituals. He was feeling upstaged by my presence. Not knowing that at the time, I was put in my place when I decided to help set the table. He made it clear that there was a “ right” way to set it and the appropriate person to do it wasn’t the guest.
He cringes now as an adult for putting me in my place when I retell the story, but I’m grateful for the understanding that came from the very subtle messages that I got on that introduction to table manners in spring 1977.
Glad this all worked out! One time I got scolded by my boyfriend’s mother for tilting my soup bowl away from me as I was spooning up the rest of the broth. See said something to the effect of, ” You don’t need to use those fancy table manners with us. We’re not impressed.” I did it anyway. So there! Always the rebel I guess although it’s hard to think of actually USING manners as rebellious.